soooo i got divorced...

unstawpable · Mon Mar 07, 2011 8:11 pm

...started going out again. One story I have is about the first time i got laid since separating from my old lady.

This is that slightly epic story...

The monumental sex happened on a sunday night in september of 2010. The weekend so far had been fucked up already and is probably what led me into the situation. That Friday, I stayed up all night playing beerpong with a friend i met playing counterstrike 1.6 a few years ago. His fiance, and couple of his buddies were there too. Needless to say, i completely demolished them, and won what had turned into a 6 hour double elimination beerpong tournament. The final was me against my friend's fiance. It was the classic beerpong comeback. I was down to only a few cups left while she had only lost 1 or 2. I started destroying her and she couldnt hit shit because of my awesome psyche outs. Everyone else was playing halo when i finally beat her, i decided to rub the fact that i barely ever play beer pong in all their faces then sit down and wait for a turn to rape them in another game i never play: halo reach.

So after a few rounds of swat and some pretty pissed off kids my buddy decides to show me his computer and some really stupid game i cared nothing about. his fiance was in the room sitting on the bed. after watching him start up the game i decide im too drunk and lazy to stand there watching whatever pointless shit hes doing in this game that nobody plays and sit down next to his fiance.

Now about his fiance: shes really not that hot. Ya, after killing 40 beers with 4 other people and seeing her pink thong every time she bent over she looked pretty good, but what i did next was definitely not going to end well at all.

We had been hitting eachother with pillows and laughing on the bed before i announced i was going outside to have a smoke. A few seconds after i slide the door behind me close, the fiance comes out onto the balcony to join me for a cig. We sit down in the only two chairs next to eachother, our arms kind of touching. I decide to start making out with her. She obviously thought this was a good idea. As a sidenote: I am way out of this girl's league and never on a normal day would i be caught kissing her or anything else. i was, however, drunk as shit and my wife was a whore, so F*CK it.

i decided after a few moments that kissing the fiance of my friend i met over the internet was probably not the best idea, especially when he was sitting in the other room and was only a few steps from being in view of us. I stood up and went back inside. Soon after, the 2 other guys got back from wherever the F*CK they went. At this point it was around 6 or 7 in the morning and i figured i should sleep before going to work at noon.

thats where this part of the story would have ended if this bitch wasnt a complete retard. Some backstory to why shes a retard: my friend had to borrow her phone all the time because he was drunk and jumped in the pool with his or some stupid shit. The idiot decides to text me after we made out saying "oh please dont tell _____" i text her back saying i wouldnt. I then run into her not long after and tell her she should probably delete the messages we sent.

that afternoon at work my friend texts me asking what im not sposed to tell him. good job bitch. I sent him back a generic message saying only "lol" not wanting to commit to lying or honesty at the moment. he obviously figured it out though and told me to never call/text the phone again. I say ok.

The next day at work im talking to a girl i know from middle school about the whole thing. she tells me she understands the whole thing blah blah blah. after work she invites me to an absinthe/cigar bar to see her friends band. I wasnt doing jack shit so i figured id go spend some of the money i made that day and get shitfaced.

Well i ended up spending just about all the money i made at this place. I start off with 2 beers and 2 shots of patron to kill off the last bottle of patron in the entire place. i offer a beer and a shot to my lady friend who looks like a F*CKING amazon because she has on boots and shes already tall as shit. she shakes her head saying she cant drink tequila but takes the beer.

Pretty soon after, the 2 man punk band takes what i guess would be the stage, its really just the corner of the room with a mic stand and a small drumset. They have a really fun sound, at least for a drunk guy whose teenage years he spent trying to find the best punk music. towards the end of the show the guitarist/vocalist is going nuts and a fan/friend feeds him a glass of beer midsong. Afterwards i decide this excellent show of skill deserves more alcoholic accolades and offer him the shot of patron i bought at the beginning of the night.

The show ends and most of the random people sitting at the bar seem relieved. My behemoth friend tells me she and the lead singer are going out to the car for a smoke and i follow her out before finishing an order at the bar. We get in her car and she passes around a chillum and i get wrecked pretty much immediately. i find a gay ass hat in her car and wear it back into the bar, blazed, drunk as shit and feeling F*CKING awesome.

Some other guy at the place is obviously hitting on my friend while im sitting next to her. She seems to have no idea. I decide to show this dude how its done and start massaging the back of the tall bitches head thru her curly ass hair. She takes notice, but keeps talking to this guy like nothing happened.

This girl is definitely a little bit more in my league because she seems pretty badass, and after a while the nose ring in her septum starts to look kinda sexy. We leave at close and basically the whole group that was friends with the band was still there saying goodbye. The lead singer is F*CKING gone at this point, probably from the shot of patron i gave him. I ask him what kind of music he really likes when i go piss and hes kneeling on the floor with his head in the toilet. I cant remember what he said but i remember thinking it was gay.

This other guy from before is still hitting on my friend but shes taking no notice at all of his advances. she tells me i might have to follow her back to get her car she probably needs to drive her drunk ass punk friend home. unfortunately the guys car is the only one that can fit the equipment and its manual so the dude who was hitting on her decides to step up and say he'd do it since she can only drive automatic.

Earlier that night, I had told this chick after smoking that i wanted to get some weed from her. She calls me as she's getting in her car to see if i still want it. I say ya and she tells me to follow her to her apartment.

she does not tell me, however, that her apartment is in Allen...and we are leaving downtown. I had spent nearly $100 on alcohol that night and was completely shitfaced but i somehow manage to make it to her apartment in east jesus without pissing myself or getting pulled over.

We pull up, get inside, and her apartment is a shit hole. complete total F*CKING crackhead looking, piece of shit, shit-hole. i'm not disgusted because im too drunk to care. she shows me her 2 gravity bongs and her pipe. We smoke out of all 3. She can barely load a bowl. she just crams nugs in- stem and all- and lights it up. stupid slut.

i cant remember what time it was at this point but it was about to be light outside. I leaned in and kissed her. she kisses back then she stops and asks "what are you doing?"

I reply with "youre hot" and we make out some more. we start F*CKING on the couch and do pretty much ever possible position. I only feel close to finishing once. She totally sucks at having sex. Disappointed, i suggest we move to the bed. we F*CK for at least an hour and a half before she taps out. I think to myself, "what a pu$$y" but she says she has shit to do the next day. I think "ya, like clean your F*CKING apartment."

At this point the sun is coming up so its pretty F*CKING late. or early or whatever. she has a ginormous doberman that lives in the apartment and sleeps on the bed. well, not just on the bed, BUT INSIDE THE F*CKING BED... UNDER THE COVERS! WHAT THE F*CK!?

This chick loses all sexiness at this point cuz i cannot believe i have been naked in a bed where she could quite possibly be F*CKING another guy every night: her dog.

I cant fall asleep because of this big ass stupid dumb dog all up in my shit.

I sit up around 8 am and ask if shes hungry, cuz i am F*CKING hungry as balls.

we cant decide on what we want and we just go with taco bueno. F*CKING stoners. I dont have shit to do that day so i contemplate just getting dunk all day then realize that would mean id probably spend the night there again so i decide not to. We watch planet terror and eat before she has to go look for a new apartment- probably because she was evicted after the management walked by her apartment one day and noticed it was a 3rd world country in africa where small children have flies all over their faces and if you drink the water youre committing suicide...

She invites me along to meet her roommate and check some places out, I decline saying i need to get home and do shit.

It got even more fucked up afterwards because apparently she liked one of my old best friends we both went to middle school with, and apparently he liked her too even tho he always talked shit about her so they both get pissed off as shit at me. im just like F*CK you dont be a bitch. She unfriends me on facebook and gets all dramatic when i talk to her. my guy friend feels like i stabbed him in the back because he can never seal the deal with any girl even though hes always liking on basically every girl he knows, so he stops talking to me.

I say that both of them are F*CKING stupid because they shouldve just hooked up and stopped talking to eachother a long time ago instead of waiting and doing it after i fucked her so that they both hate me.

idiots.

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soooo i got divorced...

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