Some may not agree, but I am of the opinion that few things in life are as simple and satisfying as a good crap. It is a thing that most of us who are not anally impacted do almost every day, but I am sure that everyone can relate to the fact that sometimes depositing the old arse biscuits can be quite satisfying.

Now I am sure we all have our own idea of what comprises the perfect bomb in the porcelain sea. Some folks might prefer spray painting the bowl whereas others are fonder of launching torpedoes or even backing the big brown motorhome slowly out of the garage, but in every case there is more to the perfect chocolate time experience than just the act itself.

OK, so I am not one to linger on the can so to speak so the first criteria for me is that dropping the kids off at the pool needs to be quick. No straining to push out the hostages or intermittent scatter bombing, just sit the F*CK down and shower the room with roses.

Second, wiping the old brown eye freaking sucks so it needs to be a clean dump. When I am done throwing up backwards the last thing I want is half of that plant fertilizer stuck on my ass. The best thing after unloading a batch of cigars is to take a wipe and have the paper come out of the crack clean and white like when it came off the roll.

Nothing is worse then getting up off the can and knowing that business ain't done yet. It is never a good thing to get done speaking with the arabs only to know that you are gonna have to burn another mule before the day is done, so the third criteria is that when I am done slopping gruel in Oliver's bowl I don't want to sit my ass on the throne again for at least 24 hours.

Lastly, the best thing about the perfect crap is the sense of accomplishment you get when you see the reaction from others getting a whiff of the remnants. One thing that is universal is that your own sewer snakes don't really stink all that bad. It is only when someone else comes along that you can actually measure the level of stench you have produced. The best brown turtles are the ones whose presence can be sensed long after they have been sent down the pipe. Nothing beats watching someone walk into the room after you have done your business only to have their gag reflex invoked involuntarily by your biological air freshener.

And that pretty much sums up the perfect crap.

for me the perfect crap was after i ate a 2 lbs. box of twizzlers black licorice. now i will comment that licorice is black in color, oh yes.....but when this F*CKING anaconda crawled out of me it was like i lit three F*CKING chem lights and threw them in the toilet. this shit went nuclear.





also, there is a reason why shit tapers at the ends....



its so your asshole doesnt slam shut.

It's always nice to drop a piping hot loaf into the commode!

Sneeze while you have a turd creeping out, it makes life so easy. My p00p blog -------------> http://blogs.myspace.com/violation_man

Now that's more along the lines of what I was expecting in the way of responses, :)

I fear the Splashback...especially on a cold morning right after I get out of bed, lol.

What about those diarea poops where it just feels like your ass is throwing up constanyl for about 5 minutes.... I hate those. My favorite it the splasher cuz theres always a surprise and its like one of those fancy french toilets hat spray your butt hole after your done.

If ya don't like the splashback i've found a way to fix it mostly. Just make a layer of TP ontop of the toilet water before you do your duties. Takes care of most of it!

I actually really enjoy the hard ones to push out. They're easier to wipe up after. The runny ones are gross.

True, but what about the ones you struggle with for a while, then you sit there thinking "YES it's done!!" Then you look down only to realize all that work was for something much smaller than your pinky finger?

yah I like the hard to crap craps just cause it's eaiser and you know ur done when ur done

i agree with the hard craps, it's a bigger relief to let out the big ones.

I just went, I was satisfied beyond relief. Four medium sized floaters, nice brown color, decent nasty smell.

Remember reading this a while back, had to find it on the web again for this thread.....pretty funny.

The Different Types Of Poop

Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

LOL Goodkat, I haven't seen that in so long! But all of it is true.

this has happened way too much to me

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

These are the most satisfying because your body feels so empty that theres nothing you can do but go eat more food.

The stories of my shitting schedule ^^

That one is fully foul...only way I can see that happening is if you dont wipe your ass and the left over crap bitlets dry out and get caked onto your butt hairs by the time you go take your next crap. Then the next brown slug you push out pulls the caked on sewage off with it.

Nasty.