So as any of you assholes worth your salt know, I've been out for a bit now.

I left the home of Gman and Strange a bit over a year ago. From there I set out to see Coach and then Los Angeles. Long story short, I went bus hopping to New York City and lived on the streets for a couple of weeks before getting in with a commune of hippies where I discovered my father's declining mental health and hitchhiked to Birmingham, AL where I lived with them for the rest of the year, cooking, cleaning, doing house/yard work, working a couple of shit jobs, going to school, and fighting the world (of Alabama).

Protip: Alabama sucks dick. Don't listen to Corpsehumper - he's old and senile. And if you like Lynard Skynard, stop it because they are lying to you.

In the last few months, my mother had surgery to resolve a crippling spinal deformity which was going to make her the Stephen Hawking of Floridian trailer trash. After making a recovery, she's been able to take back over a lot of the duties I was looking after during my stay so I was freed up to get back on the road.

So last week I took what money I had and bought a bus ticket to Cleveland to see a chick who says she loves me etc etc etc vomit puke gay-ass cutesy woman shit.

Things have been going pretty well. Her mother trained her dog to attack me because saying "you're not welcome here" is by far a harder option. All this chicks friends dig me because apparently the man to boy ratio in Cleveland is approaching post feminazi apocalypse levels.

Sunday we stopped buy a liquor store because she wanted to get drunk with me the night before she had a court date (because that's a good idea). I got a bottle of 151 that she wanted after she gave me the money and we went back to the hotel room we were staying in.

She got drunk after two shots by the time I'd killed a 1/4th of the bottle at which point she finally mentions we have to pick up her friend from work since they wanted to have a "sleepover" before they had to go to court. We call up one of her other friends to drive us since we're both too smashed to drive.

We get to the place and piss around while waiting for homegirl to get off work. At one point I went downstairs to the basement pissers to bleed the snake and I hit my head on the ceiling all the way down, a water pipe, and a rafter when I finally got down there. On my way back up I noticed a Marlboro under the stairs and picked it up to find it was a Blend No. 27, Gman's signature smoke and the first kind I ever had. I picked it up and went outside to smoke it. It was F*CKING delicious.

The chick gets off and my girl has to show me off to all her co-workers at this bar. Some dude had been yelling "HEY FUCKFACE" at one of the off-work bartenders for an hour and every time he did I'd shout "WHAT" but he never turned around. He does it again while we're actually facing each other this time and I followed up with another "WHAT". The guy's face melted in terror for a few seconds before he could meekly let out, "Oh not you, h-h-h-him." The guy he was yelling and I laughed really hard and we left.

We decided to walk to the chick's house which was about 10 minutes away. It started pouring rain on us and we arrived soaked. This chick took us up to her room so she can grab some clothes. I called a couple of taxis so we could get in the first one that arrived and while I'm doing it the chick stripped naked out of her wet clothes and started giving me a lap dance. Once I hang up, she gets dressed and I get a called by one of the cabs to tell me they're outside.

We get out and find that both of the cabs are sitting outside and the cabbies are arguing. One of them brought a van while the other had a little-ass Caddy so I walk up to these guys in heated debate, "Which one of you has the Caddy?"

"I do," says the short-ass dude with a comb-over.

"Get the F*CK out of here with that tiny piece of shit. We have three people needing a ride and you show up in something that may as well be a Mini-Cooper? Get the F*CK out."

He yells at me about being an asshole and how I shouldn't have bothered calling them and how I'm a F*CKING prick before getting in and driving off. We piled in to the van with this old dude who clearly rocked it to Motorhead in his day.

We get to the hotel and my girl's friend pays the tab. I haven't paid for a god damn thing since I got here. Four different women have been paying my entire way for me. Shit is so cash, etc.

I escort them in to the hotel and past the front desk. As we're going past, I locked eyes with the 20-something Indian guy behind the counter and he gave me this look that shouted "You F*CKING asshole. How the F*CK did a guy like you pull that shit off?" I just gave him my best Tyler Durden smile and we went on to the room.

Once we're back I throw down on the couch and turn on some Travel Channel and load up my Aesop Rock station on Pandora before dropping trou and taking off my shirt. They started taking shots with lemonade chasers between sessions of me gulping from the bottle. Next thing we know I've drained the end of the bottle and these two gals have stripped and are 69ing each other, so I grabbed my camera and started clicking shakey drunk pictures left and right like I'm some kind of professional pornographer.

These chicks are screaming in ecstasy and everyone in the rooms around us are waking up and listening to this. The Atlanta AFRICAN AMERICANS next to us start banging the loudest Lil Wayne I've ever heard and the ones across the hall start F*CKING. I can hear the people below us bitching and knocking on the ceiling. In proper hooker fashion, my ladies don't even give a shit and finish each other off.

As soon as the panting between them calms down, they start pulling each other's pubic hair out while I'm calling a guy I play TF2 with while he's playing Left 4 Dead and trying to win and listen to this. I make a comment about it and the other one offers to pull out my pubes too, so I told her to come rip the hair out of my balls.

She did.

Next thing I know this bitch is sitting on the couch behind me giving me a good massage and my girl is gobbling my C*CK like I've been starving her. Miss Massage gets off and starts fighting my girl for a piece of the ol' Two Inches of Fury. All of a sudden I'm getting balls sucked, dick sucked, and asshole licked.

I get up and push them down and jump in the bed and they follow suit posthaste like I've got them both on a chain. My girl starts riding my itty bitty boner and the other bitch is riding my face. They start switching off and taking turns before a cat fight breaks out on top of me. It was the hottest shit ever.

They're beating on each other on top of me. I'm getting kicked and grazed with missed slaps while they're both grinding my C*CK. At this point I'm having flashback to the ultimate fantasy I posted here. I'll say it again. It was the hottest shit ever.

My girl wins and finishes me off. I push her off of me and pull out a cigarette. She rolls over and starts to pass out while her friend starts talking to me and telling me to eat her pu$$y. I told her I'd rather smoke it so she walks over and shoves the filter right in to her cunt as she sits down next to me.

We talk for about ten minutes about various things before I tell her I want my cigarette. She spreads her leg and I grab the cigarette which tears right away from the filter.

"Well then."

I tossed it on the table while this bitches goes "What? What?" I told her what happened and she starts freaking out - like a full on panic attack. She starts hyperventilating and the tears well up in her eyes as she begins to shake. I had to hold her arms together and stroke her stomach while telling her she needed to calm down and tell me where she put the tweezers she was using to pull out my ball hair so I could take care of it.

After what feels like forever she manages to blurt out where the tweezers are. I grab them and spread her pu$$y until I can finally see the butt and remove it with surgical precision. I called her a stupid bitch before getting up, pissing, and crashing in bed with my girl where I passed out instantly and woke up a couple of hours later to usher them to the municipal court.

Anal Chow Mein posted a joke about a pu$$y smoke on his Facebook earlier so I figured this would be the perfect story to tell you faggots.

Seriously though, you guys are gay and I hate you.

Pics

SHOW US YOUR TITTIES!

I guess I can't make fun of you for not getting laid now.

Fortunately you've left me with a year to come up with new material. I hope you've been practicing.

Question (and this isn't to be mean or anything): did living on the streets and all that kind of shit make you lose weight? I am honestly curious. I haven't seen or really heard of your nigga ass since I finally got in here.

I would of loved to smell those bed sheets after your sweaty ass was all over them. I might of even just taken a nap naked in them, rolling around soaking it all in.

Hooker, you better get some new material, HOMOSEXUAL. And yes. I'm no longer a stuffed crust fat ass and I've gotten pretty saggy with the extra skin. There's still a way to go, but I'm getting there.

Anal, I totally did and it was great. I wish you could have come over so we could make spoons in the stank.

I always miss out on the good stenches, and this is why I make my own.

How did living on the streets work and what exactly do you mean by that? Did you find a homeless shelter, or did you just find some random place to sleep there?

That threesome story is a complete fantasy...or there is no justice in this world :)

I can only speak for myself but while awaiting a direct reply, here are two insights:

Living on the streets is living on the streets, sometimes you find a place and sometimes you have to take it. If you are in a good town/city you'll always find a place even if it's temporary.


On the story:

I'm not so sure it was a fantasy as there have been girls either I have met or my friends have done (I'm otherwise the 'good' guy whereas my friends are total badasses) who would happily do all of the aforementioned shit, and then pee standing up in the middle of the freeway.


AngryKitten is a natural-born writer btw.

Hey Angry you little HOMOSEXUAL, good to hear you're doing well ( by well i mean got some meat on the 2" fuckstick and your family is doing better ) and i have to ask, what is next ?

Peace and bromance
- Toki Wartooth

She looks fun

♥

Reborn, I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but there is no god. Also, you're brown.

And yeah, it's like what Kwang said. I don't really know where I'll be from night to night. Sometimes I'm on a bench, sometimes a hostel, sometimes I'm bumming in a halfway house, squatting in a rundown factory or house, sometimes with some cool (read: naive) people. It just depends. The last year I was crashing on my old man's couch and various others around Alabama.

Toki, right now I'm living with this bitch. I'm going to get a job and work my way up the ladder from there. I'm planning on getting a career as an author started. If I do it right I'll be published by next year. After that I'm going to start a game development company. Cash shit etc.

Tazz, she is. I dig her.

And the rest of you: MY NECK LOOKS LIKE A VAGINA

First signed copy comes to me, and when I say signed I mean the first few chapters covered in your funk and cheese from the bottom of your sack.

I was lubing her ass up last night and got a handful of shit.

Its the way she goes some times. I stopped wrapping the mattress in plastic years ago.

She was like, "Let me take a shit and douche before you put it in."

I was like, "Nah." PLOOP PLOOP PLOOP


Makes everything warmer. + AIDS

you make me wonder sometimes Chow. I mean im a dirty sick bastard, but you make me look like a catholic choir boy.

Don't mention choir boys in front of anal he will prematurely blow his load....

if you start a game dev company ill come work for you!