a tale of mystery, heart break and triumph

h!gh · Sun Oct 11, 2009 1:04 pm

so it all started one sunny monday afternoon...

i was at work, sitting in a meeting from 1pm to 2pm.. not the most exciting meeting. mostly talk of corroded pipes, broken valves normal business shit. at aroud 145pm i noticed i had to take a piss like no man has had to piss before. i so figured id tough it out and wait untill 2 when the meeting was over. the very second that meeting ended i ran out to relieve myself. one of those really long satisfying whiz sessions where you have to let out a grunt just to emphasize how good it feels.

before i continue, i need to note what i had for lunch.. spicy chicken and shrimp creole from what they call a cafeteria in this plant but really is a F*CKING slop kitchen. either way i was asking for trouble.

so the meeting ends, i go drain the lizard.. and the second i get back to my office area my boss calls me over. "YOUVE BEEN SERVED BITCH! you have to go take a piss test" he says. this test is also called FFD. i wasnt worried. i knew i has just taken a piss but with enough water i could force myself to pee again. so i take the paper and it says i had to be there by 230.

so i arrive at the drug testing trailer, paper in hand, and ask the nurse for a few glasses of water because i didnt know if i would be able to pee in time. she says ok and lets me get the water. so i decide to take the Breathalyzer test first while im waiting. about 15 min go by.. still nothing.

then, it happened. i felt the sudden urge to pee from nowhere! it was a miracle! so i tell the nurse im ready. she says empty your pockets, i do. she says take this cup and go to room 4, i do that as well. let me take this moment to say i was not the only guy getting tested at this moment. anyway.. i walk over to bathroom 4. take the top off the cup, drop my pants and start to pee. i realized after 30 seconds the urge had completely gone away. so i decided to try and force it out. it was at this moment i realized.. i didnt have to pee. that urge was the beginning of what could be the most massive deuce i would ever have to drop in my entire life.

now, let me explain these bathrooms really quick. they have toilets, toilet paper, pretty blue water so you cant fill the test with it etc.. normal looking bathrooms EXCEPT.. a little sign that reads: DO NOT FLUSH TOILET, TOILET WILL NOT FLUSH.

at this point im in full panic mode. if do not shit in this toilet, i will shit in my pants. and if i do not pee, i will get in trouble. so, i dropped my drawers and proceeded to drop the kids off at the pool. meanwhile collecting just enough urine to fill the half way point that the nurse had marked. this shit session was amazing. not only could it have actually been mistaken for a small child.. but the smell was just rancid.

so i finish up.. hesitate for the door alittle bit and finally open it. man that smell hit everyone in that room like a chair to the face. i tryed to act normal but it was too overwhelming. as i walk out the nurse started to ask me why i was taking so long (probably thinking i was trying to cheat). then the smell hit and she stopped mid sentence. the only thing she said to me after that was "sign here" and "just go".

so return to work, walk to my boss and say its done. he asks me.. how did it go? so i tell him what happened. he doesnt say a word. he just does a /facepalm. then he yells out.. "IN 22 YEARS IN THE NUCLEAR INDUSTRY NOT ONCE HAVE I HEARD OF SOMEONE SHITTING IN A FFD TOILET! YOU SICK F*CKER!".. next thing i know, my entire office has erupted in laughter. i mean people are F*CKING crying laughing so hard. even the corporate FPL guy is laughing his ass off.

so for 2 weeks now, every time i go to the bathroom, people ask if i have a FFD test.

so that is the story of me taking a massive dump in the FFD toilet. i hope you enjoyed it.

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a tale of mystery, heart break and triumph

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