STEP 1: Getting a leet keyboard
The first thing you need to do so that you can be the best CZ player is to customize your keyboard. While you can buy keyboards designed specifically for 1337 speak at your nearest gaming store, the true pros tailor their keyboards to their own specific needs. The only tool required for this delicate process is some sort of prying tool to remove certain keys.

No CZ player should ever have a functional spacebar. Since you will never be using this while talking to people, it will be the first thing to go. Tape down the caps lock key so that everyone is guarenteed to see it when you type "LOL WTF?!" or "ROFLCOPTER!!!". Finally, remove the letters that you are least likely to use, or preferably, all letters.
In order to show the sheer brilliance over other players, your sentences must be as illegible as possible. This can be best accomplished by substituting as many letters for numbers as humanly possible.

This is an example: OMfG i PWNz0000r'D JOO!!!!!

However, if you are still new to Steam and CZ, then condensing all of your sentences into acronyms will still work.

STEP 2: Insulting people/Learning to insult
This is the backbone of CZ. If you can't tell other people how badly they suck at the game, how will your skills as a gamer ever improve? This is why every godly CZ player must first master the art of name calling. This ability is so advanced in nature that only the most mature people utilize this skill. The timing of this is not relevant. In fact, feel free to do it if you die, kill a person, or just camp your ass off with an AWP waiting for some jackass to come by.

Below are the words and abbreviations you will need to know:

n00b - This word derives from newbie, which is slang for "being new at a game". Because only the lowest of creatures are new at a game, this is the worst insult ever conceived. Using this insult will automatically make the recipient inferior to you, therefore making you the winner by default if they should happen to kill you.

LOL - This is an acronym for "laugh out loud". This shows that you are laughing at your opponent, and that your penis is far bigger than his. You can also repeatedly type this out in long chains; for example: "LOLOLOLOLOLOL". This intensifies the effect of the word.

ROFL - Somtimes, even the longest string of LOL's isn't enough to show how pathetic your opponent is. This is when you bust out the ROFL. One ROFL is equivalent to about two million LOLs.

OMG - This word is used to express suprise. use in sentences like "OMG UR HAX SUX!".

WTF - Use this word whenever someone kills you. It is usually followed by a phrase explaining why the person who killed you is such a n00b.

0wn - This word shows how superior you are to your opponent. there are only a few times when you can't use the word 0wn. You can use it when referring to their weapon, how they acted, their skills when compared to yours. If you really want to be a badass, then use the word "pWn" instead. Replacing the "0" with a "p" shows what a rebel to society you are.

There are several other words and abbreviations, but these are by far the most important. Feel free to turn any sentence you have into another acronym. Also, makre sure to use as much profanity and homosexual references as you can fit into the typing field. Since you won't have your space bar, consdensing these words into one big long jumble of capital letters is eprfectly fine. Finally, make sure you repeat what you say several times. Sometimes people don't realize taht you were typing to them, so filling the entire screen with the same sentence is a great way to let them know why they suck so much ass.

STEP 3: What guns to use
You're going to need to find the biggest and baddest gun ever. It must completely blow the shit from their ass all over their team, just because you're such a pro. Some weapons that come to mind are the dreaded AWP and auto-snipers from the CT and T team. This will show how big of a badass you are; camping away waiting for the hard earned kill of other players. When y ou defeat your enemy, be sure to insult them as hard as possible. If it was really embarrassing, (getting a headshot with the AWP while camping the spawnzor) then bust out with the dreaded ROFLCOPTER. The player's head will burst from thei sheer amount of destructive volume your words contain. many other palyers heads will explode because you're just that damn pro.

STEP 4: Your name
Your game handle is basically your signature; everyone will refer to you by your name so you aught to pick one that reflects your interests and hobbies. Also, make sure that your name instills fear in your opponent.

For example: rape-withoutLUBE! or IEATNUBIECAKES!.

So you can't exactly think of something off the top of your head? Don't worry, just take this survey:

1. Which TV shows do you watch?
2. What words sound cool?
3. Do you want an "X" in your name?
4. Billions of numbers? Go ahead!

Make sure to fill up any remaining spaces in the name field with NUBKILLR so that no one mistakes you for some noob. Also, while you will never, EVER use punctuation while typing, it does make a sweet looking decoration for your name.

STEP 5: Killing
Now that you're playing on Steam (God help you), it's time to kill some n00bfs. It is common knowledge that all of the best CS players avoid servers filled with CAL players. Because you are so godly, there's no reason to waste your time fighting other people in your class of skill. Fighting weaker or completely unprepared people is the true determinant of your skill. Below are some choices you may consider.

Spawn Camping - Face it; everyone loves a good spawn camp. Make sure you hide really well and hope the admins don't see you. Make sure also that you equipped with a really badass weapon, such as the AWP. This was so you can dominate the n00bs running around looking for you. Since they never expected a player to be that pro, they will nto see you until it's too late. The ownage will be brutal. Be sure to insult them over and over again, so that they don't ever forget how big of a n00b they were to be spawned.

Stealing Kills - This one is amazing. Not only are you pWning some noob, but you get to own the other noob who tried killing him. Ways of stealing kills are to wait for them to both empty their mags, and you instantly go in for the kill. This amount of skill is often able to leave your teammate in the fetal position for hours, never wanting to touch CZ ever again.
TKing/Pissing off the team - This one is also wonderful; it's the easiest to pull off. You can team flash, shoot your teammates in the back of the head, or mic spam. The best time to ruin your teammates online experiances is to get flash grenades and spam spawn in the beginning. Players will throw words at you like no other, but add them to your impressive knowledge of curse words and hurl them back. This will sting with 2x the force, just because they know they are talking to a serious badass when he or she repeats the terms used by others. Another way to be the crowd favorite is to flash the whole team when rushing B or A. Shout out words of abuse to further punish them for being so stupid as to rush a bonbsite. Shooting people in the back of the head is also great; it's more effective on the 24-4 score people or people going for nice scores (stat whores). Since a score of that rivals you, you have to be the one to thin out the herd. Weapons of choice are deagle and AWP, then you can brag to your friends about your 1337 skillz. Mic spamming is also needed; please be sure as to scream at the top of your lungs while traveling anywhere and everywhere. If you are really pro, playing that annoying music everyone hates is very pro as well.

~Disclaimer~
In the unlikely event that you get killed, or that your 1337 tactics failed miserably, then it will be because of the one or more following reasons:

Lag
Hacks
Wrong weapon
Being a n00b yourself
Double teamed
Rushed
No armor

Telling your opponent why they got lucky will impress everyone with your amazing skills. From then on, simply stay in spawn and call the person a n00b/homosexual and occassionally step out to try and AWP someone then run back behind a box. If you happen to kill them, make sure they know it. If you can't kill them, simply spam a few more insults and leave the game.

Don't worry though; since he was a n00b, and you're godly, you STILL won.

U R T3H SUX!!1

LOLOLOLOLOL

ROFL

Thats right, I said it!

OMGTAHTWASSOOOO133T

GG

Corpse should read this, sticky it, then praise the pwnage.

And you should call anyone that disagrees with/ insults your post a n00b/ homosexual, and, in the fact that he insults you again, post spam and leave the forum.

My guide still prawns. :D

Not going to lie, I just took a word I thought sounded cool and fucked with it's spelling/capitalization.


pwnt fayg0x

Now, say that multiple times in the server with your caps lock on, expressing your general hate for the server population.

Remember, you always win.

Take a prozac, then see me in the morning to tell me your server results. XD

I'm going to make a self-help class on my book, then charge people to help each other.

>.>

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect.